Lost 13 Years Later
by Jemala
Summary: Story-lined treasure hunt based on a satirical version of Lost 13 years later. There are actual physical directions interspersed into this story and various directions it can go because it was an actual treasure hunt I wrote for my sister's bday


1 – Hand to them.

Hello and welcome aboard the plane of the LOST rescue mission.

You have been selected because of your unique knowledge of the survivors of the crash of flight 815 thirteen years ago. Okay, so it has taken us to while to get around to rescuing them. But we have had a lot of budget cuts. And these things take time. Better late then never, right?

We also have reason to believe that some of the survivors might think that they are on a "mysterious" island. It's not as mysterious as your would think. There is a reasonable explanation for everything. Yes, even the smoke monster.

But that's not what this game is about. So, focus!

This game is about ascertaining the location of all the remaining survivors so that you can report this to central command and we can send in the rescue team.

What was that? You thought you were the rescue team? No, no, my friends. Very funny. You are the second wave of pre-scouting-location-determination Professionals. After you, we will analyze your location data for a few years and determine how we want our scouts to cover the ground. And from the scouting data we will determine our ten-year plans for inserting recovery professionals –

What was that? You think they will all be old and feeble by then? You don't think that this is a rescue mission at all? Well, I never!

*long pause*

Okay, you got me. It isn't. Your real purpose is to recover some goods that Larry my pilot accidentally ejected from our plane as we flew overhead last month. Stupid Larry. And we know that at least one of the survivors know where the goods are. But we don't know who and all the other teams we sent in either never came back or came back totally insane. Something about a Sawyer. Whoever that is.

What was that? Why don't we go ourselves and get the goods? Are you kidding? We're not stupid enough to – er – ahem – I mean – "professional" enough to complete such a mission on that messed up island with those messed up people. That's why we need you.

Okay, we're over the island now. But one last thing – don't even think of taking the goods for yourself. We know they are pretty and shiny and – What's that? No, you're not getting paid. This is a volunteer mission. I don't care what the newspaper ad said. Hey! You can't quit. Oh, please don't quit. We need you. Fine. We'll share fifty-fifty. Can we just have a quarter of the goods? A tenth? Hey! Don't you dare put on that parachute! I'm not joking! Don't you dare leave this plane. We're not done talking. Don't take another step! Nooooooooooooooooooo!

_In order to figure out where you landed on the island, you must solve this riddle:_

"_Where do you think you would land on the Lost island, dummy. Yah. It's a picture of that."_

_Okay, so that's not really a riddle. But you get my point._

_Jess' island poster._

You land with amazing grace for having never parachuted before in your life. That is, if you call bumping several times and getting tangled in your lines and a snoutful of sand up your nose graceful. As you snort out the sand and wonder if any of it got into your brain, you hear a familiar accented voice give you a friendly island greeting, "Who in god's name are you?"

You turn to see Charlie. Well, an older slightly beer-bellied Charlie. As you wonder where in the world Charlie would have gotten beer, you also notice he is scowling. And carrying a coconut. Like a weapon. Hoping to not have to feel what a weaponized coconut feels like cracking against your skull, you quickly tell him about your mission. He makes a face then tells you he has no idea what you are talking about and starts to walk off. You follow him and come upon a hut on the edge of the forest. Well, if you can call a three-story town-house styled building with solar panels a hut. You comment on his nice abode and he mumbles something about having a lot of time on his hands. Before you can answer, you hear someone coming around the building. Or two someones. Arguing. Loudly.

It's Claire and a tall and gangly blonde teenage boy. You almost don't recognize Claire because her once-blonde hair is now a sour brown. Well, that's what happens when there is no boxes of hair dye being airdropped from the sky, you surmise. The most striking aspect of Claire is that she is shrieking. Even though you plug your ears with your fingers (at which point Charlie chuckles), you can hear her yelling at the boy, "I don't care what the other kids get to do. You aren't going over that that crazy woman's house, you hear me. No. No! NO!"

"But mom-" the boy begins to whine.

"No! And don't even say it. It's because I am the mother. That's why. Oh, Hello!"

You realize that the last statement was aimed at you and Charlie explains why you came to the island. Claire also says she has no idea either, gives Charlie an obligatory kiss on the cheek and an uninterested "Hi Honey." Before shrieking again, "A coconut! That's all you bloody got! One coconut. You've been gone for four hours!"

Charlie shrugs, tosses the coconut on the ground and heads off into the forest. Claire mumbles something about having to go to the garden for some "edible" food and you notice Aaron sneaking off into the bushes.

-If you follow Charlie:

_Go down low. Real low. Be-low._

-If you follow Claire:

_What room do you think Sun would like?_

-If you follow Aaron:

_Phew. Gross._

_Basement – inside the door: if you are with Charlie._

You follow Charlie through the bushes and he hums to himself – offkey. You ask him where he is heading but he ignores you. Then, you hear a noise in the high grasses and turn to see the door to the hatch and out pops Jack. In a dress.

"Hey, Jackie!" Charlie says, "I been looking for ya."

"Hey there, Charlie. Have you seen Kate? I am like totally looking for her and can't seem to find that girl." Jack answers, looking around. You try to keep a straight face as he hisses his S's and swivels his hips. You wonder if you just forgot to do his own laundry but doubt it.

"I think I saw her over here." Charlie says, motioning for Jack to follow and sprinting off into the underbrush. Jack follows with amazing grace despite his six-inch-heels which you wonder vaguely where they came from. Because of your momentary pause, you lost sight of both of them and struggle to follow their path through the jungle.

_To catch up with Charlie and Jack again, you will have to wear leis and hop on one foot while solving this riddle (everyone):_

_The long trek for the news._

_In the mailbox if you just came from the hatch with Jack and Charlie_

Having caught up with Charlie and Jack, you see them with Kate. Or you think it is Kate. You wonder how anyone could gain three hundred pounds on fruit and fish. Her chins seem to have chins. Charlie whispers in your ear, "Kate got really depressed after Jack realized he was gay. She just can't seem to lose the weight. Poor girl. But she does kinda look like a donut bouncing through the forest now. Makes her easy to track."

"Please oh please oh please." Jack was begging Kate.

She held up her hand, her fingers like sausages, "Talk to the hand, Jack. I don't have the time. I'm heading over to Hurley's for dinner."

With that, she headed into the forest. Jack followed, whining and Charlie followed Jack mumbling, "This should be good."

_To get to Hurley's mansion:_

_Probably too small for Hurley to live in. But whatever._

_Dollhouse – if you are with Kate, Jack, and Charlie._

As you reach a clearing in the woods, you see a most impressive sight. Seven stories high, like it is defying the heavens is a perfectly white mansion. Hurley's residence makes Charlie's look like it really is a hut. And out strolls someone in a beautiful Armani suit. Only his frizzy curly hair and the fact that Kate said we were going to Hurley's lets you know that it is Hurley. Otherwise, he is perfectly slim and toned, his muscles rippling underneath his suit.

At this point, you snort and make a face. You are clearly annoyed with the writer of this game. It is just too unbelievable. Townhouses. Mansions? What on earth would they make a mansion with? And how? And an Armani suit. Where did he get that? It is just too ridiculous and so you stomp off into the jungle, totally annoyed and ignoring the large fight between the survivors.

Then, you notice you are hungry. Fortunately, it is a jungle and you decide to look for some food. There must be a fruit tree somewhere. Or a really neat stash of chocolate covered fruits and junk food like you just uncovered under these meticulously arranged leaves. Cool beans!

But perhaps it belongs to someone. You pause momentarily before digging in.

_-If you decide to eat them:_

"_July. Lost. You get the picture"_

_-If you decide to leave them alone:_

"_If Jason believed in the toothfairy."_

_Under Jason's Pillow_

Being of good ethics, you decide to nicely cover up the chocolate stash again and look for some harmless mangos. As you bend to do your good deed, something hits you in the back of the head. Hard enough to cause those stars you see in cartoons. As you think about how weird it is that those stars really happen in real life, you pass out cold.

_To find out where you wake up:_

"_What room would Sun like?"_

_July Lost._

Who cares if someone owns the chocolate. Geez. It is a jungle, after all. Survival of the fittest and all that. You stuff a large handful in your mouth and as you enjoy the gooey chocolately goodness, and begin to pine for a tall cold glass of milk, you feel something entirely unpleasant hit the back of your head and everything going very cliché'd black.

_To find out where you wake up:_

"_What room would Sun like?"_

_Sun room: After the chocolate incident if you followed Charlie._

You wake up with your face in the dirt and instantly flip around. Above you stands Sawyer. Totally unchanged. Not even aged. With perfectly styled hair and a thorough tan. And, for Jess' sake. Shirtless. Carrying a big stick.

"What were you doing in my stash, Kemosabe." He says, waving the stick menacingly in the air above you.

You try to explain, make up an excuse, anything. But, you can't seem to get out the words. He rolls his eyes, and leans in close. You can smell his breath. (Insert your own idea of what Sawyer's breath would smell like). "Stay away from my stuff, cowboy. I don't care who you are or what you want. Just stay away from my stuff."

And with that, he walks into the jungle leaving you to figure out where the heck you are. It takes only a moment to recognize that it is Sun's garden. Albeit very very very overgrown. But still garden-like. There are even still a few vegetables and fruits growing on their very own. You get up and discover a hut nearby. An actual hut. Made from airplane parts. Very primitive. Now that's more like it, you say to yourself. You wonder where Sun and Jin are and knock. A hollow echo answers and so you swing the door open and head inside. Everything is covered in dust and spiderwebs. You head over to the make-shift table in the center of the room and find, pasted down with grit and dirt and some remaining glue, a yellowed series of post-it notes with some scribbling on them:

"We have left on the rescue boat. We tried to tell you guys that a rescue boat came the "

New post-it

other day and even asked that they wait until we could get

New post-it

everyone. But Kate, you and Jack were just too busy fighting over

New post-it

him using your panties (we don't want to know) and Hurley was

New post-it

too busy promoting his latest book on weight loss (really! Who is going to buy your books, Hurley! We're on a DESERTED ISLAND!.

New post-it

Charlie and Claire were arguing about parenting techniques (hope

New post-it

you guys got that figured out),and Sayid was, well, we all know what Sayid was really doing. And not

New post-it

practicing yoga techniques in the woods like he told us he was doing. And John, well, basically we were afraid of John after

New post-it

his "revelation" in the jungle the other day.

New post-it

And we would have asked Sawyer, but every time we went to his hut, he just

New post-it

threw fruit at us. So we tried. And we left. And inn case anyone bothers to read this note: Good luck. – Sun and Jin"

You shrug and leave the post-its on the table wondering if anyone else ever did read them and then head into the jungle to see who else you can find.

_To find out where you end up:_

"_stop humping the-"_

_On the Lazer: You just read the post it notes_

You wander about in the jungle thinking about all the things that Sun's note said and thinking how very bizarre this place has gotten in the last thirteen years. Then, you stop because you hear chanting. Very cliché, primitive pygmy-natives-in-the-jungle chanting. Ahead in the clearing you can see hundreds of tiny pygmies dancing around a man seated in a throne and chanting. You almost gag on the cliché of it as you realize it is John. You easily surmise the very un-creative plot that had him somewhere along the way discover a tribe of pygmies and have them crown him their king. You moan and try to count how many times it has been done before and decide to sue the author for plagiarism as you wander back into the jungle, unwilling to submit yourself to such a banal and uncreative plot.

_To find out where you end up, first you have to use the face paint to disguise yourself as a pygmy and then answer the riddle given to you._

In the litterbox: After the pygmy encournter.

It doesn't take long until you find yourself at another hut. Another actual hut in the woods. Before you can wonder how small the island really is that is only takes you a few minutes to walk from one place another, you see a very surreal scene and are reminded of an old nursey rhyme. About a woman. And a shoe.

Coming out from the hut are dozens of children. Crazy-eyed, curly haired children of varying ages who scatter into the jungle. Last from the hut is a couple laced into a passionate embrace from which the woman disentangles herself only long enough to shout, "Just be sure to not be eaten by the polar bears" before swallowing her partner in another emphatic and very French kiss.

You raise an eyebrow but decide to head towards the couple, realizing as you get closer that it is Sayid and the crazy French woman. Sun's note is beginning to make more and more sense.

Before you can shout out to them and perhaps figure out some sort of information you feel another very unpleasant sensation as something cracks against your skull and you collapse onto the ground, unconscious.

_In order to wake up, you have to get out of your unconscious dream of being in a land of bubbles by using the bubbles and having everyone be able to blow and then re-catch the bubble without popping it. Then, answer the riddle given to you._

In Sun room: After old woman in the shoe incident.

As you wake up, you notice that YOUR HEAD REALLY HURTS. After all, this is the second time in one day. You wonder if you'll have permanent brain damage as you look around and are not surprised to find Sawyer, pacing, nearby. "What was that for?" you ask.

"You annoy me." He answers. He is sitting on a rock in Sun's garden, scowling at you, "I told you not to mess with my stuff."

You protest that you weren't. You just wanted to talk to Sayid. But he hears none of it. He stands and approached you, puffing out his chest (which is still shirtless – for Jessika's sake). "If you want my stuff so bad, then I challenge you to a fish-off." He says.

You make a face trying to figure out what the heck a fish-off is as he hands you a fishing pole and you follow him through the jungle. You take the time to wonder where the heck the rest of the cast is and are rewarded by seeing a small graveyard with names on the carved tombstones which you can barely make out. You squint and read:

Shannon (with little hearts and butterflies written with a gel pen decorating it)

Mr. Eko (doesn't he have a first name?)

Rose and Bernard

Arnst (how the heck-?)

Abby

Dave (isn't he a hallucination?)

Michael and Walt

Bitchety Bitchenheimer aka Ana Lucia (it actually says that)

All the Others (wow)

Anyone I forgot…

You decide that this "graveyard" is a cheap ploy to let the writer of the game not have to talk about any of the other characters. You are right, of course, but to which I still affrontedly say, "Now see here!"

Your thoughts are abruptly ended when you arrive at a nearby pond with a few cute and colorful fish. "If you can catch all the fish, then I will let you find my stuff. If not, well. We'll get cross that bridge when we get to it Capt'n." He salutes and the fish-off begins.

_Like the man said, time to fish._

In the sun room: If you are with Claire

You follow Claire into the jungle and she totally ignores you. It takes only a moment to recognize that where you and she end up is Sun's garden. Albeit very very very overgrown. But still garden-like. There are even still a few vegetables and fruits growing on their very own. You discover a hut nearby. An actual hut. Made from airplane parts. Very primitive. Now that's more like it, you say to yourself. You wonder where Sun and Jin are and knock. A hollow echo answers and so you swing the door open and head inside. Everything is covered in dust and spiderwebs. You head over to the make-shift table in the center of the room and find, pasted down with grit and dirt and some remaining glue, a yellowed series of post-it notes with some scribbling on them:

"We have left on the rescue boat. We tried to tell you guys that a rescue boat came the "

New post-it

other day and even asked that they wait until we could get

New post-it

everyone. But Kate, you and Jack were just too busy fighting over

New post-it

him using your panties (we don't want to know) and Hurley was

New post-it

too busy promoting his latest book on weight loss (really! Who is going to buy your books, Hurley! We're on a DESERTED ISLAND!.

New post-it

Charlie and Claire were arguing about parenting techniques (hope

New post-it

you guys got that figured out),and Sayid was, well, we all know what Sayid was really doing. And not

New post-it

practicing yoga techniques in the woods like he told us he was doing. And John, well, basically we were afraid of John after

New post-it

his "revelation" in the jungle the other day.

New post-it

And we would have asked Sawyer, but every time we went to his hut, he just

New post-it

threw fruit at us. So we tried. And we left. And inn case anyone bothers to read this note: Good luck. – Sun and Jin"

You shrug and leave the post-its on the table wondering if anyone else ever did read them, deciding the Claire is just too boring – and shrieky - head into the jungle to see who else you can find.

_To see where you end up:_

_Phew. Stinky._

_Litterbox: If you just ditched Claire_

It doesn't take long until you find yourself at another hut. Another actual hut in the woods. Before you can wonder how small the island really is that is only takes you a few minutes to walk from one place another, you see a very surreal scene and are reminded of an old nursey rhyme. About a woman. And a shoe.

Coming out from the hut are dozens of children. Crazy-eyed, curly haired children of varying ages who scatter into the jungle. Last from the hut is a couple laced into a passionate embrace from which the woman disentangles herself only long enough to shout, "Just be sure to not be eaten by the polar bears" before swallowing her partner in another emphatic and very French kiss.

You raise an eyebrow but decide to head towards the couple, realizing as you get closer that it is Sayid and the crazy French woman. Sun's note is beginning to make more and more sense.

Before you can shout out to them and perhaps figure out some sort of information you discover a large stash of chocolate and medicine under some leaves on the ground.

_In order to wake up, you have to get out of your unconscious dream of being in a land of bubbles by using the bubbles and having everyone be able to blow and then re-catch the bubble without popping it. Then, answer the riddle given to you._

_Sun room: After the chocolate incident if you did follow Claire._

You wake up with your face in the dirt and instantly flip around. Above you stands Sawyer. Totally unchanged. Not even aged. With perfectly styled hair and a thorough tan. And, for Jess' sake. Shirtless. Carrying a big stick.

"What were you doing in my stash, Kemosabe." He says, waving the stick menacingly in the air above you.

You try to explain, make up an excuse, anything. But, you can't seem to get out the words. He rolls his eyes, and leans in close. You can smell his breath. (Insert your own idea of what Sawyer's breath would smell like). "Stay away from my stuff, cowboy. I don't care who you are or what you want. Just stay away from my stuff."

And with that, he walks into the jungle leaving you to figure out where the heck you are. It's Sun's garden and you are totally annoyed. You're already been here once! There's nothing here to learn and even Claire is gone. You are beginning to think that this whole "Lost" thing just sets you up for a big surprise and then, just before they tell you something, they end the show! You get up and angrily stomp into the jungle.

_To find out where you end up:_

"_Stop humping the -"_

_On the Lazer: If you just came from somewhere you have been twice._

You wander about in the jungle thinking about all the things that Sun's note said and thinking how very bizarre this place has gotten in the last thirteen years. Then, you stop because you hear chanting. Very cliché, primitive pygmy-natives-in-the-jungle chanting. Ahead in the clearing you can see hundreds of tiny pygmies dancing around a man seated in a throne and chanting. You almost gag on the cliché of it as you realize it is John. You easily surmise the very un-creative plot that had him somewhere along the way discover a tribe of pygmies and have them crown him their king. You moan and try to count how many times it has been done before and decide to sue the author for plagiarism as you wander back into the jungle, unwilling to submit yourself to such a banal and uncreative plot.

_To find out where you end up, first you have to use the face paint to disguise yourself as a pygmy and then answer the riddle given to you._

_Basement – lower down: If you just came from a cliché king._

Wiping off the last of the face paint, you discover a door in the jungle and realize that you found the door to the hatch. Knocking first timidly, you boldly decide to go inside. After all, you always wanted to inspect the hatch for yourself. You always knew that there must be something that the characters missed. Some clue that only you would find.

Before you can make your amazing discovery, you happen upon a scene that will make you wake up from a sound sleep in the middle of the night for the rest of your life and go, "Huh?"

On the top bunk of the bunk bed is a large woman. A very large woman. A woman who could probably get her own television special just because of how large she is. It is Kate. And on the bottom bunk? Jack. In a dress.

They greet you most graciously. Jack hops up and offers you tea and scones and Kate rolls and lands with a thud that could probably be read on a richter scale if you had one but looks up and smiles, "I'm okay." She chirps.

You tell them abour your mission and they both sadly say that they have no idea where the goods would be. "But maybe Hurley would." Kate offers, "We cane take you there if you like."

_If you decide to go with them:_

"_Probably too small for Hurley to live in, but whatever."_

_If you decide to head back to Sayid's place:_

"_Phew, stinky."_

_Dollhouse: If you just came from being inside the hatch._

As you reach a clearing in the woods, you see a most impressive sight. Seven stories high, like it is defying the heavens is a perfectly white mansion. Hurley's residence makes Charlie's look like it really is a hut. And out strolls someone in a beautiful Armani suit. Only his frizzy curly hair and the fact that Kate said we were going to Hurley's lets you know that it is Hurley. Otherwise, he is perfectly slim and toned, his muscles rippling underneath his suit.

At this point, you snort and make a face. You are clearly annoyed with the writer of this game. It is just too unbelievable. Townhouses. Mansions? What on earth would they make a mansion with? And how? And an Armani suit. Where did he get that? It is just too ridiculous and so you stomp off into the jungle, totally annoyed. But before you get too far, you feel another very unpleasant sensation as something cracks against your skull and you collapse onto the ground, unconscious.

_Where do you end up? First you have to play a game with balloons._

_Litterbox: If you just came from being inside the hatch._

You easily head back to Sayid's "hut of love" and see the couple, surrounded by their swarm of children still kissing passionately. Geez.

But before you can shout out to them and perhaps figure out some sort of information you feel another very unpleasant sensation as something cracks against your skull and you collapse onto the ground, unconscious.

_Where do you end up? Exactly where you decided not to go before._

_Dollhouse if you just got attacked at Sayid's house._

You wake up to see Sawyer standing over you with a smug look on his face. "I told you to leave my stuff alone." He said and then slipped into the jungle. You look around and see see a most impressive sight. Seven stories high, like it is defying the heavens is a perfectly white mansion. Hurley's residence makes Charlie's look like it really is a hut. And out strolls someone in a beautiful Armani suit. Only his frizzy curly hair lets you know that it is Hurley. Otherwise, he is perfectly slim and toned, his muscles rippling underneath his suit.

At this point, you snort and make a face. You are clearly annoyed with the writer of this game. It is just too unbelievable. Townhouses. Mansions? What on earth would they make a mansion with? And how? And an Armani suit. Where did he get that? It is just too ridiculous and so you stomp off into the jungle, totally annoyed. But before you get too far, you feel another very unpleasant sensation as something cracks against your skull and you collapse onto the ground, unconscious.

_Where do you end up? First you have to play a game with balloons!_

_Sun __ room: If you just came from Hurley's_

As you wake up, you notice that YOUR HEAD REALLY HURTS. After all, this is isn't the first time you got bonked in the head today. You wonder if you'll have permanent brain damage as you look around and are not surprised to find Sawyer, pacing, nearby. "What was that for?" you ask.

"You annoy me." He answers. He is sitting on a rock in Sun's garden, scowling at you, "I told you not to mess with my stuff."

You protest that you weren't. But he hears none of it. He stands and approached you, puffing out his chest (which is still shirtless – for Jessika's sake). "If you want my stuff so bad, then I challenge you to a fish-off." He says.

You make a face trying to figure out what the heck a fish-off is as he hands you a fishing pole and you follow him through the jungle. You take the time to wonder where the heck the rest of the cast is and are rewarded by seeing a small graveyard with names on the carved tombstones which you can barely make out. You squint and read:

Shannon (with little hearts and butterflies in pink gel pen decorating it)

Mr. Eko (doesn't he have a first name?)

Rose and Bernard

Arnst (how the heck-?)

Abby

Dave (isn't he a hallucination?)

Michael and Walt

Bitchety Bitchenheimer aka Ana Lucia (it actually says that)

All the Others (wow)

Anyone I forgot…

You decide that this "graveyard" is a cheap ploy to let the writer of the game not have to talk about any of the other characters. You are right, of course, but to which I still affrontedly say, "Now see here!"

Your thoughts are abruptly ended when you arrive at a nearby pond with a few cute and colorful fish. "If you can catch all the fish, then I will let you find my stuff. If not, well. We'll get cross that bridge when we get to it Capt'n." He salutes and the fish-off begins.

_Like the man said, time to fish._

_With the Presents:_

Congratulations, adventurers! You have discovered the lost goods – which are actually birthday presents.

In case you are wondering:

Yes, there was no real point to the game other than to occupy my sick fantasy of what the Lost world would look like in 13 years.

and

Yes, it is totally impossible that you could every get off the island once you found the birthday presents – to which I say, "So what?" Like that's the only weird and inconsistent thing in this game's storyline.

Anyway.

Happy B'day Aquarians. Hope you had fun!

_M_

_Litterbox: If you are with Aaron._

You decide, what the heck. I might as well follow the adolescent. So you do. And, like most adolescents, he totally ignores you as you crash through the underbrush behind him. It doesn't take long until you find yourself at another hut. Another actual hut in the woods. Before you can wonder how small the island really is that is only takes you a few minutes to walk from one place another, you see a very surreal scene and are reminded of an old nursey rhyme. About a woman. And a shoe.

Coming out from the hut are dozens of children. Crazy-eyed, curly haired children of varying ages who scatter into the jungle. Last from the hut is a couple laced into a passionate embrace from which the woman disentangles herself only long enough to shout, "Just be sure to not be eaten by the polar bears" before swallowing her partner in another emphatic and very French kiss. Aaron makes a beeline towards one of the older children – a girl. Who seems to be as – erm – loving as her mother.

You raise an eyebrow but decide to head towards the couple, realizing as you get closer that it is Sayid and the crazy French woman. Before you can shout out to them and perhaps figure out some sort of information you hear Charlie shouting behind you, "Aaron, what did your mother tell you!"

You turn around just as Aaron and the girl dash into the forest and see Charlie coming through the woods with Jack – in a dress. You blink once. Twice. Weird. "Hey there! I was wondering where you'd gotten of to." Charlie says, slapping you good-naturedly on the back, "Come with us, we're going to find Kate."

Unable to resist, you are pulled along by beer-bellied Charlie and Jack – and did I mention he's wearing a dress?

_To see where you end up:_

_Long trek for the news_

_In the mailbox: If you just came from Sayid's_

After walking for a few minutes, you and Jack and Charlie find Kate. Or you think it is Kate. You wonder how anyone could gain three hundred pounds on fruit and fish. Her chins seem to have chins. Charlie whispers in your ear, "Kate got really depressed after Jack realized he was gay. She just can't seem to lose the weight. Poor girl. But she does kinda look like a donut bouncing through the forest now. Makes her easy to track."

"Please oh please oh please." Jack was begging Kate.

She held up her hand, her fingers like sausages, "Talk to the hand, Jack. I don't have the time. I'm heading over to Hurley's for dinner."

With that, she headed into the forest. Jack followed, whining and Charlie followed Jack mumbling, "This should be good."

You also follow, wanting (and not wanting) to see more of this surreal freak show. But you suddenly find a really neat stash of chocolate covered fruits and junk food uncovered under these meticulously arranged leaves. Cool beans!

But perhaps it belongs to someone. You pause momentarily before digging in.

_-If you decide to eat them:_

"_July. Lost. You get the picture"_

_-If you decide to leave them alone:_

"_If Jason believed in the toothfairy_

_In Sun room after the chocolate incident if you followed Aaron:_

You wake up with your face in the dirt and instantly flip around. Above you stands Sawyer. Totally unchanged. Not even aged. With perfectly styled hair and a thorough tan. And, for Jess' sake. Shirtless. Carrying a big stick.

"What were you doing in my stash, Kemosabe." He says, waving the stick menacingly in the air above you.

You try to explain, make up an excuse, anything. But, you can't seem to get out the words. He rolls his eyes, and leans in close. You can smell his breath. (Insert your own idea of what Sawyer's breath would smell like). "Stay away from my stuff, cowboy. I don't care who you are or what you want. Just stay away from my stuff."

And with that, he walks into the jungle leaving you to figure out where the heck you are. It takes only a moment to recognize that it is Sun's garden. Albeit very very very overgrown. But still garden-like. There are even still a few vegetables and fruits growing on their very own. You get up and discover a hut nearby. An actual hut. Made from airplane parts. Very primitive. Now that's more like it, you say to yourself. You wonder where Sun and Jin are and knock. A hollow echo answers and so you swing the door open and head inside. Everything is covered in dust and spiderwebs. You head over to the make-shift table in the center of the room and find, pasted down with grit and dirt and some remaining glue, a yellowed series of post-it notes with some scribbling on them:

"We have left on the rescue boat. We tried to tell you guys that a rescue boat came the "

New post-it

other day and even asked that they wait until we could get

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everyone. But Kate, you and Jack were just too busy fighting over

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him using your panties (we don't want to know) and Hurley was

New post-it

too busy promoting his latest book on weight loss (really! Who is going to buy your books, Hurley! We're on a DESERTED ISLAND!.

New post-it

Charlie and Claire were arguing about parenting techniques (hope

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you guys got that figured out),and Sayid was, well, we all know what Sayid was really doing. And not

New post-it

practicing yoga techniques in the woods like he told us he was doing. And John, well, basically we were afraid of John after

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his "revelation" in the jungle the other day.

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And we would have asked Sawyer, but every time we went to his hut, he just

New post-it

threw fruit at us. So we tried. And we left. And inn case anyone bothers to read this note: Good luck. – Sun and Jin"

You shrug and leave the post-its on the table wondering if anyone else ever did read them and then head into the jungle to see who else you can find.

_To find out where you end up:_

"_stop humping the-"_

_On the Lazer: If you followed Aaron _

You wander about in the jungle thinking about all the things that Sun's note said and thinking how very bizarre this place has gotten in the last thirteen years. Then, you stop because you hear chanting. Very cliché, primitive pygmy-natives-in-the-jungle chanting. Ahead in the clearing you can see hundreds of tiny pygmies dancing around a man seated in a throne and chanting. You almost gag on the cliché of it as you realize it is John. You easily surmise the very un-creative plot that had him somewhere along the way discover a tribe of pygmies and have them crown him their king. You moan and try to count how many times it has been done before and decide to sue the author for plagiarism as you wander back into the jungle, unwilling to submit yourself to such a banal and uncreative plot.

_To find out where you end up, first you have to use the face paint to disguise yourself as a pygmy and then answer the riddle given to you._

_In basement: if you just came from the cliché king._

You wander in the forest for a while until you notice a door. The door to the hatch! Knocking first timidly, you boldly decide to go inside. After all, you always wanted to inspect the hatch for yourself. You always knew that there must be something that the characters missed. Some clue that only you would find.

Of course, all you can find are some dirty dishes – lots. Ew. The bunkbed with a really huge body-dent in it, and a half-finished game of solitaire on the computer. So much for the numbers…

On the kitchen counter, next to a half-eaten sandwich, you find a post-it note with a scribbled map:

"Went to Hurley's. Be back Later. If you alarm is ringing on the computer, enter the numbers. Or don't. We haven't been for the past few years. But whatever floats your boat. – Kate and Jack."

_With nothing better to do, you head out into the forest to find Hurleys'_

"_Probably too small for Hurley to live in , but whatever"_

_In dollhouse if you just came from the hatch and followed Aaron._

As you reach a clearing in the woods, you see a most impressive sight. Seven stories high, like it is defying the heavens is a perfectly white mansion. Hurley's residence makes Charlie's look like it really is a hut. And out strolls someone in a beautiful Armani suit. Only his frizzy curly hair lets you know that it is Hurley. Otherwise, he is perfectly slim and toned, his muscles rippling underneath his suit.

At this point, you snort and make a face. You are clearly annoyed with the writer of this game. It is just too unbelievable. Townhouses. Mansions? What on earth would they make a mansion with? And how? And an Armani suit. Where did he get that? It is just too ridiculous and so you stomp off into the jungle, totally annoyed. But before you get too far, you feel another very unpleasant sensation as something cracks against your skull and you collapse onto the ground, unconscious.

_Where do you end up? Play the balloon game first._

_After fishing game_

"Fine. You win, Ace." Sawyer concedes as you pull in the last inedible fish and wonder where in the world he got this ridiculous game.

He turns to you and scowls. "You win and so you can find my stash. But don't expect me to like it."

He hands you a crumpled piece of paper and stomps off into the jungle.


End file.
